Monday, May 16, 2011

A visit to the rectory

[Two nicely dressed women walk up the walk to a house in a small town. They bear in their hands a certificate for the "Matushka Blogger of the Year" award and a camera. They carefully step over the Legos on the porch.]

*knock, knock, knock*

-I'll get it!!!

-No, Pickles, you don't have any pants on!

-I've got him.

-Noooooo!!!!

[scuffling]

Hello?

Are you Matushka Anna?

Yes...?

We're here representing the Association of Blogging Matushki and we...

-He hit me!

-No I didn't!

-Yes you did!

-Did not!

-Did too!

-Did not!

Boys! Get your shoes and socks on and go play in the backyard! Sorry about that.

Don't worry about it.

Would you like to come in?

[They come in, stepping over the Legos on the floor, and have a seat on the couch. On the coffee table are a Dover Math and Science Catalogue, Southern Living from March 2010, two matchbox cars, seven Legos, three broken crayons and a cashew.]

Well, as I said, we're here from the ABM and we wanted to present you with...

-Mommy...I need help on the potty...

Just a minute, I'm sorry.

[As they sit on the couch, they notice the mantle. There are the expected candles, anniversary clock, teacups and lace doily, but there are also two light sabers and a can of Fresca. One of them squirms around and after a moment, pulls out a hairbrush from between the couch cushions. They look at each other.]

Ok, I'm back. Would you all like something to drink?

Yes, that would be lovely. Water would be fine.

Ice?

Yes, please.

[They follow her into the kitchen, stepping over the Legos in the doorway. One nudges the other and they smile at the open shelving stacked with blue willow and white china and glasses. As they take in the rest of the kitchen their smiles fade slightly. One particularly shudders at the dead flowers in the vase on the windowsill. A small child is eating a sandwich from a hot pink plastic plate at the table. He is wearing his shirt inside out.]

So what wonderful things have you cooked up in the kitchen lately? We really liked the recipes you shared and the picture of the quiche looked good enough to eat right off the screen!

Um...

(small boy): We had pizza last night! Mooommmmmmyyy, we're out of peanut butter.

(small girl): No we're not, Pickles is eating a PBJ.

No, Flopsy, we really are out of peanut butter, I'm sorry.

(small boy): So what is Pickles eating?

He's having a honey and jelly sandwich.

(small girl): Yuck!

[They leave the kitchen, glasses in hand. The ladies stop by the icon corner.]

What a nice icon corner!

Thank you.

I'm sure it's a lovely picture to see all of you gathered here three times a day.

Um...

Can we see your religious education materials? I'm sure they're extensive and creative.

Um...

Oh! Is this your music collection?

Yes, a good portion of that is Father's though.

Oh, I have this CD, I got it from SVS. Don't you have this one Sylvia?

No, I have it in Slavonic. Uh...are these yours or Father's?

Oh, ha ha, all of those are mine. Father doesn't listen to any of that.

[They look at the row of CDs with grim faces. One points to R.E.M. sandwiched between Simon and Garfunkel and Boston. Silently they weave around the table, carefully stepping over the Legos, back to the couch.]

So what were you ladies saying?

Oh, um. We just came for a little visit, you know, to see how you really live in your home, to see if it was like the blog...

Oh! Well, what do you think?

We'll keep you in our prayers. Sylvia, we have a plane to catch.

12 comments:

  1. That's hysterical! That sounds so much like my life. There definitely won't be anyone knocking on my door with an award any time soon :)

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  2. Mine either, but it was hilarious to contemplate!

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  3. Inside-out shirt? Is my son at your house?

    And as we're slowly putting our books in order, one of the bookcases in our bedroom is specifically designated "ashamed to put in the living room" books.

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  4. more, more! :) I think we should give you an award just for writing this :)

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  5. I need to come up with a "keepin' it real" award to give out!

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  6. LOL!!! This was wonderful!! Thank you for the laugh - I needed it today... (I write this as my boys are playing outside - in their pajamas - and it's 3:24 in the afternoon! :)

    ~Nonna

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  7. Oh that was fantastic!

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  8. This is great! I sometimes get depressed reading people's blogs. If anyone had walked into my house before our massive 3pm cleanup, it would have been very interesting to see the looks on their faces!

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  9. Hilarious! I'll have to remember to hide my scandalous music the next time I have other Orthodox people over ;-).

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