Friday, December 2, 2011

Day 2

I appreciate all of the prayers and expressions of sympathy. I can't wake up from this nightmare. I'm trying to internalize what happened but it's so huge and horrible it just simply doesn't fit.

I'm making a "to do" list to keep me sane because I'm a list-maker.

1. Order icon of St. Andrew. (done)
2. Make measurement sketch from photos of Innocent - they will be the same size.
3. Make tiny white shroud and cap.
4. Make small flannel blanket in pink (and blue just in case).
5. Shop for casket.
6. Modify casket.
7. Arrange childcare for when in hospital. (friend working on it)
8. Pack hospital bag.
9. Make list of everything I want to do with the baby so I don't forget in my fogginess.

I've decided that I'm not going to let the hospital staff take the baby away out of sight even for a minute. I just can't trust that they won't do something to her or not let me have her back. What will they do, arrest me? Personal feelings simply don't come into play. It just seems much wiser to hold her and not let anyone take her away.

I can't forget that this is Advent. I can't forget that the feast of St. Nicholas is next week. My five living children will have a happy Christmas if it kills me. The reason I am going with the induction is so I don't risk miscarrying on Christmas eve.

I'm sorry this is so incoherent. I'm grateful for all of you, for your support and prayers. I want to let you know what's going on.

14 comments:

  1. dear Mat. Anna, this is so hard. Your list is good and all very valid. Praying for you and lighting a candle to the Theotokos for you now. The Greek monastery in Brownsberg Quebec is praying for you and I am still trying to reach my home MI monastery and will do so ASAP. Many of my close friends are also praying. HUGS and lots and lots of love....

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  2. Oh, Anna!!! I am SO VERY SORRY!!! (((((BIG HUGS))))) Tears are being shed for all of you! This just breaks my hart for you ALL! We have all of you on our prayer list. Today is the 35th anniversary of when my Grandfather, Antoine, went to Heaven. I will ask all my Heavenly Angels to take good care of Baby Crawford, and ask Innocent to take good care of his sibling! Much love, Sweetie!

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  3. God bless you as you make these lists and preparations, and be with you in your grief. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

    Continually holding you and your blessed little one up in prayer, mama.

    (another) Elizabeth

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  4. Good strength to you, Matushka, in all of this.

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  5. Hey. It's RoseRedHoofbeats from MDC. I added your blog to my reader.

    I'm so sorry you have to go through this again.

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  6. Dear Matushka Anna, I've never commented before, but have read your blog for a while. I can't imagine the pain you and your family are in. You are in my prayers.

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  7. I am all out of words... I am so so sorry!!! You are all in our prayers and especially you, Mat. Anna, my heart aches for you... May The Most Holy Mother of God give you strength once more! Hugs!!!

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  8. words are so poor...
    grieaving with you, prayers...

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  9. I am so sorry for your loss, dear one. I lost a baby at 11 weeks and was unable to have the body. It was disposed of unknowingly while I was rushed to surgery to save my life. The Lord gave me such peace, though. I pray He gives you the same peace.

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  10. For some reason, just the title of this post brought the tears to my eyes again...
    praying for you, along with everyone else...

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  11. Incoherence is a very valid emotion at this time, although you were not at all.

    My love to you. I wish I could reach through the screen and give you the hug I ache to send.

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  12. Oh, Matushka Anna... I'm so, so sad to read this news. May God comfort your grieving heart and hold you close in His gentle and loving hands. My hear hurts for you.
    I also had two miscarriages in a row, and there was so much fear and wondering about why and whether I'd be able to have any more children. We've since been blessed with two more.
    I know my feeble words cannot bring comfort or healing to your wounded heart, but know you are in my thoughts and prayers. With love,
    Rebeca

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  13. I struggle to find words to express how horrible I feel for you and your family. I hope that even in your grief you feel the love of Christ and so many others who are praying for you now.

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  14. Matushka,

    Good strength to all of you.

    I don't know you, but you have blessed me so many times through your writing. What a wonderful mother you are to all seven of your babies.

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