Praying With My Feet

29 Day Alphabet Photo Challenge: H

2012-02-10T13:43:00.003-06:00

A day late and a dollar short. Oh well. And it's raining steadily so I had to get all my pictures inside.

Old breaker box

East window

Near the back door

Bricks around the fireplace

Pantry door (repurposed shutters)

Screened door

General Updates on Life

2012-02-10T08:59:00.000-06:00

Noah is still in the hospital after his successful surgery to place a new central line. He would have gone home last night but someone dropped the ball and appropriate transportation could not be arranged in time. He is scheduled to go home today. Please continue to pray for him and his family. [Note: updates are most often posted on FB] Just got word (at 5:45 PM his local time) that he's in the ambulance on the way home - 2 hour trip.

Baby Leo is recovering nicely from his surgery! Go over to his blog to read the updates and see some adorable pictures of Leo and Mama.

Sorry about the blog being down most of yesterday. Lost Innocents is still down but should be back up later today. Hopefully everything has been ironed out.

I'm not going to do a whole daybook entry (lack the time and patience at the moment) but I'll do the Reader's Digest Condensed version:

Cold front going through - rainy and wet today with lows dropping down to 36 (I'm underwhelmed). Tomorrow and the next day, however, the lows are supposed to be 20 - 27 degrees. Pretty cold for around here. Never fear, the highs will be back in the 70's next week. *eye roll*

Ribby got 2nd place in behavioral sciences for her science fair project. Don't be too impressed, the school is really small. However, she is going to the regional fair in a few weeks. Considering I spent so many years running from one science fair to the next you'd think I'd be more excited. But honestly, her project is not that great. It will be good experience for her though.

Most everyone has been sick - upper respiratory stuff - and although it's been dragged out for a couple weeks now I still haven't caught it. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. At least it's more annoying than debilitating.

REALLY need to get to the storage room. I'm very tempted to simply load everyone up and get over there. There are some things that need to be dropped off and some things that need to be picked up. Heck, I can't even remember some of the things that are in there because they've been there for coming on two years! I want to really go through things and see if a lot of it can't just be gotten rid of.

Father ordered a book, Quiet, that is turning out to be fantastic. It's about introverts in an extrovert world. I can't wait to review it on here. I seem to remember there were a lot of INFJs and INTJs lurking about. One funny thing: Last night when I was dipping into it I came across a section that was talking about high-reactive babies and low-reactive babies (you know, pop a balloon and the high-reactive ones scream for ten minutes, the low-reactive ones look around and say, "What...?") and they were detailing some of the tests they had done. When they tested babies at 4 months, then 2 years, 7 years and 11 years they provided different "novel" stimuli. As I read though it I started tensing up until I was one big knot by the end of the section and was breathing very shallowly. I cracked up when I realized I had just tested myself. Well, I think most of us have always known I'm introverted. But, still, that was pretty funny.

Lent is approaching! This Sunday is the Sunday of the Prodigal Son. And the end of the fast-free week! I heard mention of some people doing a Jesse tree for Lent...with all the Nativity ornaments. Anyone else heard of this?

The letter "H" coming a bit later today.

Not quite what I was in the market for...

2012-02-09T18:30:00.001-06:00

Yes, I took this photo myself.

And, oh my, we're on a roll. My two oldest cooked this advert up this afternoon:

Would you like a pet alligator? Are your kids crazy for one? Is your car ready to smell like a reptile? If so, we can help you! Crocodiles, alligators, turtles and more! Just call 555-PET-REPTILE. Find us on Facebook!

(They signed it Nymphadora Tonks and put the address as #12 Grimmald Place in London.)

[Sorry about being off-line most of the day. It's been a doozy. Ignorance is bliss so I'm not saying anything more than that. The letter "H" will be delayed until tomorrow. Thanks for understanding.]

One Perfect Blossom

2012-02-09T07:59:00.003-06:00

Prayer Emergency: Noah

2012-02-08T19:44:00.002-06:00

Sent to me from their FB account:

Jeff (Kate's husband) here. Noah's central line (broviac) came out a
little over an hour ago. This is a true emergency. It has taken a
while to sort out, but Noah will be admitted to the children's
hospital in Columbia SC where they can put in a new dual lumen line.
911 has now been called. They will start an IV, take him to the local
hospital, and that hospital will send him to Columbia. He has no
access to fluids, medicine, calories/sugar, pain meds, etc. right now.
He will probably have surgery tonight.

We have never been to this hospital and since Kate will be in the
ambulance I will not be with them. Please pray for the paramedics, for
Noah, for Kate, and for the doctors/surgeon.
Kate will update.

Noah's Hands of Hope

2012-02-08T17:51:00.000-06:00

Remember I mentioned Noah's Hands of Hope a little while back. If you've been following this blog for any length of time you know we've been praying for the child Noah who is five. He has mitochondrial disease and is nearing the end of his short life. This organization has been founded at Noah's insistence to help other children with mito or similarly rare diseases and their families. It focuses on the child and the family, not on disease research. Please share the information about this organization.

Noah has been so exhausted that he has been awake only small parts of the day. His organization will be featured in the paper Sunday (I'll provide the link when I get it) and he was unable to talk to the reporter but his family was able to put together a short video of him talking about Hands of Hope. Here it is:

Noah is extremely swollen right now - his systems are mostly shutting down - so here is a picture of him taken late last October:

Please pray for him and his family, and for the success of this organization. I've linked it at the top of the post so you can visit to learn more.

29 Day Alphabet Photo Challenge: G

2012-02-08T10:13:00.002-06:00

I skipped yesterday so I've used one of my three freebie days. Now you are all caught up with me though!

From some calligraphy Father did ages ago.

On the cover of a Girl Scout handbook of my grandmother's.

On the back of an antique spoon once used in our beach house.


Carving on the back of an antique chair.

The number "6" turned upside down on a vintage clock.

Icons in the Domestic Church

2012-02-07T12:24:00.003-06:00

[Addition at bottom of post]

Before Father and I were engaged I went to visit him where he was teaching at a Catholic boarding school. He was living in an old house of the sort typically described as having "lots of potential!!!" in real estate circles, if you know what I mean. [Note: we lived there for two years after we married and it still had a lot of potential when we left.] In the living room he had put up icons of Christ and the Theotokos and a crucifix in between. He asked my opinion. I said it looked nice but he better stop there because "you don't want it to look like a church."

This cracks me up now as I look up and see the dozens of icons around the house. Obviously I changed my tune. By the time we became Orthodox we had an icon corner that was considerably larger:

1998

1999

As we moved and accumulated icons (and changed in taste) our icon corner changed too.

approx. 2007-2010

This is the simplest our icon corner has been in a long time. Partially because every bedroom has its own icon corner now.

Current family icon corner

Father has his own. He's so tall that his chest of drawers is a much more convenient height.

Notice I'm having to look up at it...

I share Father's and the family one. This is by my bed (notice that there are three icons of St. Anna).


This evolved as people gave me icons.

The children have icon corners in their bedrooms. When we used to have a nursery I loved to put up the icon of the guardian angel and Adam naming the animals (the elephant was so nice). Of course, the boys have the prophet Jonah (being swallowed by the fish).

The boys' icon corner

The girls' icon corner is a bit more feminine:

The girls' icon corner

There are icons all over the house. The Last Supper is in the dining room, the Panagia Portaitissa (keeper of the gate) is by the front door, and other icons are here and there including in our room and the children's rooms. I like these in the kitchen:

In the kitchen (the Hospitality of Abraham is appropriate)

Before I was Orthodox I thought that the home should not look like a church. And, of course, in many ways it can't and shouldn't. But in the matter of icons we should feel surrounded by the cloud of witnesses in our homes. Our homes are our domestic churches. Our children should see that there is a seamless join between the home and the church. This is not to say that there should be "house churches" as an alternative to attending a parish and engaging in community worship. The worship in the home should complement and enhance the worship at church. Neither can exist without the other. The icons in our home serve the same purpose as the icons in our churches.

We should be reminded at all times of our purpose in living - the attainment of salvation. I know that when I want to lie around and do nothing, to see the Theotokos looking down on me is a motivator to pull myself together. They are constant reminders to strive to live a Christian life, follow the examples of the saints and pray. This is similar to my prayer rope: if I wear it I'm much more likely to pray throughout the day than if I don't.

[One more mention about the domestic church that doesn't have anything to do with icons. I've found that cleaning the house is a much more joyful and contenting task if I remember that I'm cleaning my domestic church. You would always want your parish church to be clean and tidy and would not complain about contributing to the upkeep. The same applies to your home, your domestic church.]

Because you wanted to see an "official" icon corner, I'm sharing a picture of the icon corner belonging to an elderly baba friend of ours:

29 Day Alphabet Photo Challenge: F

2012-02-06T20:20:00.000-06:00

It took me all day to get this picture! It's very appropriate though:

Slice of Flopsy's Birthday Cake

This cake was Devil's Food made from scratch. Remember I wasn't going to use mix any more? She wanted chocolate cake with whipped cream instead of frosting. Um, ok...

I had to decorate it somehow and it's hard to pipe icing onto whipped cream. I tinted coconut green and added some Cadbury mini eggs (mmmmmm......).

Pray for Baby Leo

2012-02-06T10:48:00.003-06:00

Please pray today for Baby Leo who is undergoing another skull surgery.

UPDATE: As of Monday night Leo was out of surgery, on room air (!) and doing beautifully. Thank you for all your prayers.

The persecution of Christians continues...

2012-02-06T10:34:00.003-06:00

"In this ruling by HHS, religious hospitals, educational institutions, and other organizations will be required to pay for the full cost of contraceptives (including some abortion-inducing drugs) and sterilizations for their employees, regardless of the religious convictions of the employers."

(click on it to enlarge, or go here to read)

I have added a widget on the sidebar so you can find out who your U.S. representative is if you do not know. Please contact them and ask them to do everything in their power to oppose this diabolical ruling.

Happy Birthday Flopsy!

2012-02-06T09:17:00.000-06:00

I can't believe you're 10! Ten years ago today you were born, about an hour ago. You were one of our miracle babies. I got food poisoning the evening before and was so sick and dehydrated that I absorbed all of the amniotic fluid. When you were born they were afraid you'd have chemical pneumonia from the meconium and had the NICU team waiting in the delivery room for you. Papa and I prayed as you came into the world. There were a few very tense and quiet minutes while they checked you over on the side of the room. They they laughed and came and told us that you were perfectly fine, not one thing wrong with you. Everyone was amazed. Glory to God!

Baptism, Holy Protection Monastery, PA 2002

With Gerontissa Olympiada

With Mommy, Spring 2002

Spring 2003 Seattle, WA

Picking Apples, Fall 2005 South Carolina

Post-birthday 2006

Summer 2007 Birmingham, AL

University Hospital, Birmingham, AL

Christmas 2007

Winter 2008 Birmingham, AL

Repurposing: medicine cups

2012-02-05T14:47:00.000-06:00

Alternate uses for medicine cups:

Accumulate them as you buy medicine so when you have several children sick at the same time you don't have to keep stopping and washing them (not an alternate use, but a good tip).
Use to measure things like vanilla rather than getting out multiple measuring spoons (plus, it doesn't spill as easily)
Cover with fabric or paper, turn upside down and use for a dollhouse lamp shade.
Use the sharper-edged ones to cut out tiny cookies for doll tea parties.
Put in your "craft box" and let your children decide what to do with them. They will always find something.

Any other uses?

29 Day Alphabet Photo Challenge: E

2012-02-05T09:19:00.001-06:00

Open shelving

Detail of oven vent

Detail of spatula

Chair

Morning Prayers

2012-02-05T08:25:00.001-06:00

When I am reading daily prayers there is always something that jumps out at me, something that seems so appropriate to the moment and to what is going on in my life. It does vary, but some phrases jump out most frequently. Here they are (all from Morning Prayers):

From bed and sleep hast Thou raised me up, O Lord; enlighten my mind and heart, and open my lips that I may hymn Thee, O Holy Trinity: Holy, Holy, Holy art Thou, O God; through the Theotokos, have mercy on us.

...and when I was prostrate in despair, Thou hast raised me up to keep the morning watch and glorify Thy power.

May we not be found fallen and idle, but watching, and upright in activity, ready to accompany Him into the joy and divine palace of His glory, where there is the ceaseless sound of those that keep festival, and the unspeakable delight of those that behold the ineffable beauty of Thy countenance.

...and while we were lying in despair upon our beds, Thou hast raised us up that we might glorify Thy dominion.

But whether I desire it or not, save me, O Christ my Savior, forestall me quickly, quickly, for I perish.

Thou art my God from my mother's womb.

...and deliver me from many and cruel memories and deeds, and free me from all their evil effects.

Save, O Lord, and have mercy on them that hate and wrong me, and make temptation for me, and let them not perish because of me, a sinner.

I am home from Liturgy this morning. Pickles is still sick. I don't think he has a fever like yesterday (I'm not waking him up right now to check) but his chest is tight and he doesn't need to go out. I'll be dropping the other children off and staying home with him. It always feels so odd to miss Liturgy. I know the community of our church is praying and while I can pray too, there is a difference. Solitary prayer is needful, but community prayer is too.

Bronze is Your Friend

2012-02-04T18:38:00.000-06:00

This reminds me a little of the time we changed completely over to computerized charting and ordering at my last hospital. I was one of the "Bronze is your friend" people. Yay me.

Actually, I found the video below while I was laughing at the one above and it's really interesting.

29 Day Alphabet Photo Challenge: D

2012-02-04T17:51:00.003-06:00

With a sick child (Pickles' last temperature was over 103), a lot of rain and a science fair project to work on, the creativity is a little lacking...


New scissors

Spatula

Our Pascha basket

Handle to our incredibly nifty pantry door (it's a shutter)

"Five is right out."

2012-02-03T15:45:00.000-06:00

This afternoon the boys asked if they could have some cookies for a snack. I was warming up some black-eyed peas for myself and not paying much attention and said yes. They proceeded to get some cookies and Father came in as Pickles was getting his. My ear caught, "four cookies" and I said automatically, "no, three." Ginger, who was walking out the door said, "Five is right out."

Father said, "well, you can't say too much after that."

Pickles got four cookies.

29 Day Alphabet Photo Challenge: C

2012-02-03T09:08:00.002-06:00

mug on my desk to hold pens and such

Thrifted silver tray (picture turned on end obviously)

washer

puddle in back yard

plant hanger on front porch (turned on end)

decoration on fireplace

Candlemas

2012-02-02T20:19:00.000-06:00

Joyous Feastday! Today is the feast of the Meeting of the Lord when he was brought to the Temple forty days after birth to be redeemed according to the Law of Moses, and the Theotokos for ritual purification. While they were there Symeon the Godbearer saw them, took Christ in his arms and according to tradition gave us this hymn:

Lord, now lettest Thou Thy servant depart in peace
according to Thy word,
for mine eyes have seen Thy salvation:
which Thou hast prepared before the face of all people.
A light for revelation to the Gentiles,
and to be the glory of Thy people Israel [Luke 2:29-32]

St. Symeon had waited many, many years, serving in the Temple to see the Messiah. He had been promised that he would not die until this happened.

From this feast we also have the tradition of the churching of women forty days after childbirth. The Theotokos of all people had no need of purification, but she humbled herself in obedience to the law.

Troparion of the feast

Rejoice, O Virgin Theotokos, full of grace!

From thee shone the Sun of Righteousness, Christ our God.

Enlightening those who sat in darkness!

Rejoice, and be glad, O righteous elder;

You accepted in your arms the Redeemer of our souls,

Who grants us the Resurrection.

Here are a few pictures of the churching of me and Ribby in 1999. I absolutely love the part where the priest places the baby on the top step of the ambo. [We all look so young.]

This feast is also called Candlemas since beeswax candles are blessed for use in the church and the home all year. These candles can be burned in the home as a blessing during times of sickness, trouble, depression, etc.

beeswax candles blessed this morning.

And 14 years ago today Father and I joined the Church. The best decision we ever made.

29 Day Alphabet Photo Challenge: B

2012-02-02T14:02:00.004-06:00

From a "found objects" art piece by Ginger

From the wedding invitation of my maternal grandparents.

From my drawing of a flute from high school

Our trampoline, turned on end

Ground clutter

Tree trunk

Never Get Involved in a Land War in Asia

2012-02-02T12:52:00.000-06:00

More posting to come today on the feast and the letter for the day (B) but for the moment I wanted to share one of the great scenes (they're ALL great really) from The Princess Bride. It's one of our favorite movies. [I love Miracle Max but embedding was disabled. Remember "mostly dead"?]

My thinking is so like Vizzini's sometimes. I think myself into a corner and get nowhere.

<p>&amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;asdfj&amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;gt;</p>

While I was posting this, Father, independently, was writing his own post. When I read it I shrieked because it fit the video perfectly. So, he added the video to his post and I'm adding the quotation to mine:

Wisdom does not consist in speaking; wisdom means knowing the time when you should speak and when to reply as necessary. Make it seem that you know nothing, although you have knowledge, so as to avoid great distress; for he who appears to have knowledge lays burdens on himself. Do not boast about your knowledge, for no one knows anything.

- Abba Isaiah
h/t Fr. Demetrios Carellas

29 Day Alphabet Photo Challenge

2012-02-01T11:08:00.000-06:00

February is a dull sort of month. I wanted to do a photo challenge but all the lists looked either intrusive, didn't fit my personality or were a little over the top. Plus, I like being unique. So I made my own.

This photo challenge should be within reach of anyone with a camera. There's not even a list! On day one you upload a photograph of the letter A, on day two the letter B, etc. Yes, I know there are only 26 letters in the English alphabet but this gives you three days grace. (If you're using a non-English alphabet you might need those extra few days.) It doesn't matter if you photograph the cereal box, your license plate or a fortuitous arrangement of twigs. Upload one or many. Leave your link in the comment box so everyone can go see how creative (or exhausted) you were!

Have fun!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Today is brought to you by the letter A.

Starbucks Cocoa Tin

Icon of St. Andrew

"A Child's Garden of Verse"

Old Alabama License Plate

Nautical Bell by our Back Door

*not necessary to provide captions or backstory unless you just want to

All this and PIE?

2012-01-31T14:28:00.000-06:00

Southerners like pie. Not that people from other parts of the country don't like pie, but we do seem to have the corner on it: Pecan pie, sweet potato pie, pumpkin pie, buttermilk pie, rhubarb pie; and that doesn't even get into the area of cobblers, which to me is just a rectangular pie with a top crust only.

I tried a new pie recipe Saturday (made it for coffee hour - there were at least four pies there) that I found on a friend's site. Now she and her husband are legitimate Southerners even if they defected to Chicago. One day I'm sure they'll come to their senses (: It would be nice to have our goddaughter a little closer (hint, hint).

Kelly adapted a recipe she found on the Whole Foods site and made it a lot easier - my kind of woman. Go to her site, A Day's Journey, to get her recipe for Pumpkin Pie Cheesecake. It turned out beautifully and was QUICK. I think it probably took a total of 15 minutes (not including refrigeration afterward). Not too sweet, a little tangy, very light.

"You better eat some more of this good chicken!"

"No'm, I got to save room for pie."

"There's pie? All this and pie?"

"Now Neety, you know good and well we wouldn't let y'all go back home and tell folks we didn't serve you any pie."

-from Long Time Leaving: Dispatches from Up South by Roy Blount Jr.

Things that Make Me Happy

2012-01-31T08:42:00.004-06:00

British Humor: Are You Being Served?, Black Books, Keeping Up Appearances, Jeeves and Wooster, Yes, Minister., Monty Python, Vicar of Dibley, Father Ted

Reading - almost anything (no violence and happy endings preferred)

Being in the same room with Father

Fall days when the wind is blowing, the air is dry, it's not too cold, not hot and there are dead leaves about

Singing "Christ is Risen!"

Having a child curl up on my lap

Hearing or reading someone say that Innocent and/or Andrew were beautiful

A new book in the mail

Fuzzy pajamas

Waterfalls

A perfectly clean kitchen

Cloudy days

Being under a tornado or severe thunderstorm watch

The smell of incense (good incense)

The smell of the beach house

Cicadas on a summer night

Watching airplanes take off and land

My children

Comforting someone else

Letters from friends

Long dresses

Listening to music - classical, liturgical, 80's, alternative

Clouds

Looking at old photographs:

Cake Convert

2012-01-30T08:34:00.000-06:00

I am a total convert. I will never (fingers crossed behind back) buy a cake mix again for the purpose of making it into a cake. I have made many chocolate cakes from scratch - the fasting kind - and I have made several red velvet cakes from scratch (Father's favorite) and I may have made some other kind of specialty cake from scratch, but I have never, ever made plain, old yellow cake from scratch. Oy vey, what have I been missing!?

I had told Father I would make him a caramel cake for dessert Saturday and got the ingredients at the store to make penuche for the frosting, but as I was walking in the door with the groceries I almost slapped myself. (Fortunately I didn't because I had 40 lbs of bags in my hands.) I had completely forgotten to grab a box of yellow cake mix.

It actually took me a few minutes to realize I probably had the ingredients to make one from scratch - I had been thinking about putting it off and making it the next day after running to the store. You can see I'm not one of those natural cooks.

I looked online for things like "perfect, easy, yellow cake recipe" and wound up also having to designate "all purpose flour" since I don't have cake flour. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever bought cake flour. Anyway. I kept finding recipes that were anything but simple and contained ingredients I didn't have (although, shockingly, I did have buttermilk in the fridge...) I then went and looked in my handy dandy Better Homes and Gardens cookbook, the one that is falling apart. I'll pause a minute so that those of you whose eyes got stuck when you were rolling them so high can refocus on the screen. Better? Ok.

So I made it and it was fantastic. So much firmer than a typical box-mix cake and a wonderful flavor. I honestly hadn't thought it would make that much difference. Everyone loves it. I'll never go back. Here are a few pictures I just took (forgot about taking pictures in the process).


This is a long, thin slice. Notice how it's not falling apart. (Yes, I then ate it. Don't judge me.)

This is all that's left out of a 9x13 pan. Sorry, not artistic.

The recipe online is actually different from the one in the book (mine probably has more calories...) so here is the one I used:

BHG's Yellow Cake

3 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups sugar
1 T baking powder
1 1/2 cups milk
1/2 cup margarine or butter, softened (I used butter - 1 stick)
1 1/2 t. vanilla
2 eggs [note: always make sure you have the required number of eggs before you start making the cake*]

In a bowl combine flour, sugar, and baking powder. Add milk, margarine (butter) and vanilla. Beat with an electric mixer on low speed till combined. Beat on high speed for 2 minutes. Add eggs and beat 2 minutes more. Pour into 2 greased and floured 9 x 1/12 inch round baking pans [I used 1 9x13 pan]. Bake in a 375 oven for 25-30 minutes [25 minutes for the sheet cake] or till a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Cool on wire racks for 10 minutes. Remove from pans. Cool thoroughly on racks. Serves 12.

*To my relief, I had exactly 2 eggs.

He calls them each by name.

2012-01-29T20:36:00.004-06:00

Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. -Isaiah 40:26

While I know that my sons don't need forgiveness for their sins (they had no sins), I still wanted to have panikhidas for them. We had a panikhida the other night for someone and I had to sing because there were only a few of us there. I was paying very close attention to the words, thinking about Innocent and Andrew. Most of the prayers have to do with asking forgiveness for the person's sins and they would obviously not apply in their cases. I thought about why I wanted memorial services in church for them so much. The answer occurred to me tonight. I wanted to hear their names.

A whole cottage industry has sprung up for providing various means of babies' names in print. Some are written in the sand and photographed, some are painted onto stones, some are tied to balloons and released. If your child has died before birth then you will not have the hand print on construction paper with the child's name and “Happy Mother's Day” to pin on your wall. You won't be signing permission forms for field trips, you won't be typing about the cute thing he said in your letter to Grandma. Parents of miscarried and stillborn children already suffer the feeling that everyone has either forgotten their children or refused to admit their existence in the first place. Hearing and seeing the child's name is validating. Your child lived even if they didn't draw breath. He or she is a person with an immortal soul.

I haven't had a big interest in seeing Innocent and Andrew's names written onto balloons, the beach, or stenciled onto stuffed angels. I want to hear their names in church with the rest of the departed. Given that we commemorate reposed catechumens and given that unborn babies of Orthodox parents are considered catechumens, you would think that they would be commemorated and included when Memory Eternal is sung in church, but they're not. I don't know what the solution is.

Even if I can't change the practice of the Church (and I don't know that in some churches they don't already do that), I can encourage people to do this: Say the names of the departed babies of your friends and family members. There is some sort of misconception that if you mention the babies by name you are hurting the parents even more. I'm not saying that for someone out there this won't be the case, but I haven't met them yet. Everyone I know wants to hear their baby's name, wants to know that someone else thinks about them and acknowledged their existence. The sound of your baby's name is no less beautiful for the child having departed this life.

(Originally published on Lost Innocents)

20 Years

2012-01-29T14:01:00.001-06:00

How long is 20 years? Long, if you're talking about the age of your child, short if you are talking about the age of your country.

What about the time needed to turn an entire country around? Impossible?

Obviously not. Russia suffered under Communism for 70 years, from 1922 to December of 1981. You may or may not know that there were more Christian martyrs in the 20th century than in all other centuries combined. Of the approximately 70 million martyrs in history, 65% were in the 20th century. Russia contributed the majority of those. During those 70 years generations were born and died having never heard of the Orthodox faith. They were indoctrinated with atheism as the state religion. The population of priests fell to 200. Yes, 200 priests for all of Russia. 96,000 priests had been martyred, 600 bishops martyred. The list goes on and on.

What would that have been like? What would the typical 30 year old today feel about the Church? Until the age of 10 the Communists were in power. This person may or may not have been baptized, and if so, secretly (Putin was baptized secretly as a baby). This person's parents would not remember the church unless it were passed down quietly from their parents who would scarcely remember it themselves or not at all. Generations lost. You would think that Russia would be a lost cause when no one alive could remember the Orthodox church before it came under persecution.

But what did Christ say? "The gates of Hell will not prevail against the Church." God never loses. Christians have died by the millions for the glory of God, but evil will never triumph. The prayers of those tens of millions of Russian martyrs sustained the Church. The priests who celebrated baptisms and Liturgies secretly sustained the Church. Saintly grandmothers whispering stories from the lives of the saints, stories from the bible to their wide-eyed grandchildren sustained the Church.

Look at these statistics:

Number of open churches:

pre-Communism: 55,173 churches and 29,593 chapels

Communism: <500 churches
current: 30,142 churches

Number of open monasteries:

pre-Communism: 1,025

Communism: 18

current: 788

Number of priests:

pre-Communism: 112,629 priests and deacons

Communism: 200 priests

current: 32,059 priests and deacons

No, twenty years is not long. But amazing things have happened. Is everything perfect? Well, of course not - we have to wait for Heaven for perfection. But the Orthodox Church in Russia is alive and well despite unbelievable efforts to exterminate it. May it continue to grow.

Holy New Martyrs and Confessors of Russia pray for us!!

Translation of the Relics of St. John Chrysostom

2012-01-27T11:03:00.001-06:00

The memory of this luminary of the Church is celebrated on November 13 and January 30 but, on this date, the Church celebrates the translation of his honorable relics from the Armenian village of Comana, where he died in exile, to Constantinople, where earlier he had governed the Church.

Thirty years after his death, Patriarch Proclus delivered a homily in memory of his spiritual father and teacher. He so enflamed the love of the people and Emperor Theodosius the Younger toward this great Saint that all of them desired that Chrysostom's relics be moved (translated) to Constantinople. It was said that the sarcophagus, containing the relics of St. John Chrysostom, did not allow itself to be moved from its resting place until the Emperor wrote a letter to Chrysostom begging him for forgiveness (for Theodosius' mother, Eudoxia, was the culprit responsible for the banishment of the Saint) and appealing to him to come to Constantinople, his former residence.

When this letter of repentance was placed on the sarcophagus, the sarcophagus became extremely light. At the time of the translation of his relics, many who were ill and who touched the sarcophagus were healed.

When the relics arrived in the capital, the Emperor, in the name of his mother as though she herself were speaking over the relics, again asked the Saint for forgiveness. "While I lived in this transient life, I did you malice and, now, when you live the immortal life, be beneficial to my soul. My glory passed away and it helped nothing. Help me, father; in your glory, help me before I am condemned at the Judgment of Christ!"

When the Saint was brought into the Church of the Twelve Apostles and placed on the Patriarchal throne, the masses of people heard the words from St. Chrysostom's mouth saying: "Peace be to you all!" The translation of the relics of St. John Chrysostom was accomplished in the year 438 A.D.

Andrew's birth story

2012-01-26T20:07:00.003-06:00

I just finished writing and publishing Andrew's birth story on Lost Innocents. Such a hard thing to do. I feel like I'm coming up for air after having been underwater for the last 90 minutes. Poor little soul.

2012-01-26T14:57:00.002-06:00

2012-01-26T08:28:00.001-06:00

"Just as wood causes a fire to flare up, and if we do not throw enough of it on the fire, it goes out, so also does it happen with the passions; that is, there are certain causes, which - if cut off - no longer activate the passions. For example, the causes of anger are: giving and taking; wanting to do one's own will; taking delight in teaching and showing off to other people; and thinking oneself to be intelligent and wise. If one cuts off these causes, the passion of anger is weakened."

-Blessed Abba Sergios

Daybook: January 24, 2012

2012-01-24T08:54:00.001-06:00

Outside my window...

48 degrees, sunny, 61% humidity. The high is supposed to be 68 with a chance of thunderstorms. The next chance for severe weather comes Thursday morning. It looks and feels far too much like spring. I think I blinked and missed winter.

I am thinking...

That it's been a very long time since I did a daybook entry. Since I'm having to copy/paste from my last entry I'm coming across things like being thankful for "getting to 10 weeks". At least next time I can copy/paste from this entry.

I am thankful for...

My husband, my best friend, my support.
the blessings that were granted when Andrew died - so many things could have been worse

From the learning rooms...

We're trying to catch up. Not much else.

From the kitchen...

I haven't had much creativity lately so I've just been getting by. I tried out a few recipes in my newish Greek cookbook and everything has turned out very nicely. Father really liked the pot roast.

I am creating...

Nothing. Seriously. I packed up all of my yarn, fabric, etc. into boxes and put it in the attic. It was too painful to look at wool yarn I had intended for diaper covers, blankets, half-finished blankets in baby colors, flannel, more of the same fabric I used to make Andrew's blankets... I kept out enough stuff to do mending.

I am going...

[This is dreadful - the last entry had me going to the OB office that afternoon...]
I'm not going anywhere soon. Father and his mother, who is visiting, are going to Natchez for a few hours today while I get homeschooling done with the children.

I am reading...

I'm reading things that put me in another world temporarily. I've reread a bunch of series - I finished the fourth Harry Potter last night before bed. I have a new book to read, Quo Vadis. My prayer book.

I am hoping and praying...

For the child Noah.
For the souls of Andrew and Innocent.
For a mother who is due in a few short weeks. Her last child was stillborn and we so want this birth to go well.
For many people who have asked for prayers.
For the tornado victims.
For myself.

I am hearing...

tinnitus
conversation
children playing

Around the house...

I've done a lot of cleaning and throwing out. We took a big load to the thrift store yesterday. I also packed up some things that we didn't need but didn't want to throw out and put them in the attic. We need to go through the stuff in the storage room soon.

A few plans for the rest of the week...

Just the usual.

Here are some picture thoughts I am sharing...

We made a rag garland for the mantle this past Christmas.

Candles lit for Andrew's 40 days.

Last spring. One from the last set of pictures I took before Innocent died.

Noah's Hands of Hope

2012-01-23T16:35:00.002-06:00

Noah is still fighting but is declining. He has had some scares and some times of stability, but is clearly nearing the end. His family is fighting to make his wish come true by establishing a foundation to help children with mito (and others, see below) and their families. Here is an excerpt from Kate's post:

We will be working primarily with children with mitochondrial diseases and their families, but will also work with medically complicated children who have no diagnosis, a presumed mito diagnosis, or who have a rare, under-publicized and under-funded diagnosis.

This foundation will have five main areas of activity, like the five fingers on a hand. I think you'll see which ones Noah helped name! :-)

1. The Dragon Club: This is support for the sick children. One of the first programs we'll be instituting is the Dragon Bead program. Participating children will receive a glass bead for every medical procedure, doctor's visit, hospital stay, etc. as well as a special themed monthly bead and beads for special occasions or special challenges. These children truly do fight dragons every day, and these beads will acknowledge their fights and allow a visual way for their stories to be told. Other programs will include things like doctor's office busy bags to help pass time during long clinic visits, balloons delivered to their rooms during hospital stays, and hospital-friendly, developmentally appropriate books, crafts, games, and toys for use during hospital stays.

2. The Octopus Club: This is support for one of the most overlooked groups - the siblings of the sick children. These children are also fighting hard, and make many sacrifices. Participating children will be enjoy things like a sibling bead program (Octopus Beads, similar to the Dragon Beads, but tailored to siblings), doctor's office busy bags for siblings who go along to doctor's visits, All Star Sibling packages of gift certificates for fun outings and special treats, birthday packages, etc.

3. Memory Making: It is our goal to provide each family with memory-making kits, handprint kits, voice-recordable ornaments or frames, gift certificates for photo books, etc. 80% of children diagnosed with a mitochondrial disease before age 5 will not survive to adulthood, and we want to support and enable memory-making activities for their families.

4. Family Support: Having a medically fragile or terminally ill child places an enormous strain on the family as a whole, and on the marriage in particular - in fact, divorce rates among couples with a special needs child are quoted as 80%-90%! We want to support the family unit and the husband and wife unit with things like gift certificates for meals during difficult times; gift cards toward gas, groceries, and other expenses; supportive books, DVD's and music; access to family activities like museum or zoo memberships; gift certificates for date nights for the husband and wife, etc.

5. Knight and Day Prayer Partners: This will be a network of volunteers matched with participating families. Partners will read the blogs of their assigned families, pray, leave blog comments, send cards or other support as they feel led, and serve as a front-lines triage to let us know when their assigned families are facing particular struggles or celebrating special milestones.

Please read the rest of the post about Noah's foundation and consider helping. At the very least, consider publicizing this on your blog, Facebook site, etc. They are going to be setting up a Chipin-type widget called "A Dollar for Hope" so that people can donate a dollar. One dollar is not much but they all add up! Please pray for the success of this venture. This is Noah's last wish.

2012-01-22T09:15:00.000-06:00

(updated)
Sometimes you have to take your happiness where you can find it.*

Maybe we'll get severe storms. Goodness knows with a high of 76 in January we're ripe for some.

Afternoon update: Hmm... Slower moving than they thought:

Oh, and Carlyn, be careful tonight. You're in for some rough weather.

Morning update: Sheesh. It seems that every time we move, tornadoes are attracted to the place we left. Yet again, a tornado (around 4:15 CST) produced a damage path about a half-mile from our old house. We only had rain here, of course.

[*Allow me to put my usual footnote to storm stories: I am, needless to say, sorry for the people who lost their homes and businesses (and it appears that two people have died), but I have loved storms my whole life. Other than seeing a few wall clouds and some weak rotation aloft, I've never actually seen a tornado (waterspouts don't count). We used to joke that wherever we lived there was a big umbrella over the house because storms would inexplicably miss us or dissipate before reaching us. My brother is the only storm-lover in the family who is actually doing something about it by getting a degree in meteorology. The rest of us just run outside and look up hopefully when the sirens go off. I even love a good rip-roaring thunderstorm but they have been rather thin the last few years (at least at our house - see umbrella bit). I think you will find this sentiment common to all storm-chasers and storm-lovers: while we hate that anyone would be hurt or killed, if storms are going to happen anyway, we want to be there.]

Attention all Star Wars Fans:

2012-01-21T10:38:00.000-06:00

Get the popcorn and kleenex and prepare to laugh! My brother sent me this and I am still wiping away tears. We could only do the first 19 minutes but I can't wait to come back later and watch the rest.

This is Star Wars episode IV, but not as you've seen it before. People were asked to film 15 seconds of the story and all the clips were cut and paste together into the full movie. You have everything from stop-motion with Legos, action figures, animated cartoons, kids in costumes, paper bag puppets, you name it. [So far my favorite is the tabby cat who plays the Jawa.] (Back story here.)

Note: I have only watched the first 19 minutes so if you want to show your kids I know at least that much is safe. I (as usual) suggest previewing it to make sure about the rest before you let them see it. I have no reason to suspect anything but it's always a good idea.

Anger

2012-01-21T10:05:00.002-06:00

"We are in need of much prayer and understanding, if we are to repel the various machinations of the Devil. For sometimes he makes someone upset over nothing, while at other times he offers [one] a plausible pretext for thinking that he was right to be angry; and he suggests all of these things to the soul out of his hatred for mankind. The man who truly desires to traverse the way of the Saints is a complete stranger to anger against anyone. As St. Macarios the Great says: It is unbecoming for brothers to get angry at - or to cause anger in - another.'"

-Blessed Abba Sergios

Lost Innocents Updates

2012-01-20T09:59:00.002-06:00

Two new posts you may not have seen:

Role of Miscarriage and Stillbirth in Seminary Education

and

New Site about Miscarriage in Romanian

I am going to try to write out Andrew's birth story in the next week - I think I'm up to it - and post it on Lost Innocents. I also plan to go through the site and do any updates, additions, corrections, now that I've experienced it a second time (with some differences this time around). I will add as usual: if any of you are willing to have your birth stories linked to or posted on Lost Innocents, or willing to have photographs of your babies added to the Photographs page, then please consider it and contact me. Lost Innocents is getting increasing amounts of traffic and is found by people searching for "11 weeks baby", "Orthodox burial for miscarried baby", "can I bury my miscarried baby", "miscarriage photos", "miscarriage grief blog", etc. Women have written and told me that they have been helped by seeing photographs of babies at the age theirs were when they lost them - particularly women who had D&Cs and who never saw their babies. This tribute to your babies is also a strong and silent witness to the beauty of life as people view the tiny, miraculous details of God's handiwork.

A Child's Grief

2012-01-19T13:35:00.000-06:00

Trying desperately to get homeschool to pick up the pace I sat down with the lesson plan book just now. For some strange reason I went back to November 30 and saw that I had written in, long before we knew what would happen, "St. Andrew the First Called". I flipped another two pages and saw something written in on December 15th at the bottom of the page:

You want sprinkles with that?

2012-01-19T11:21:00.000-06:00

What do you do when you suddenly decide to make a Lego cake for your son, but you only bought chocolate frosting at the store and don't have enough confectioner's sugar to make white?

You use sprinkles.

Lots of 'em.

And use candles with colored flames.

(One cake recipe divided into three loaf pans and six cupcakes. Easy.)

2012-01-18T09:44:00.000-06:00

“We must see to it that our pleasing of others always ministers to their good in some way, edifies them, adds something to their character, makes them braver, truer, happier. The world is full of discouraged people, and we have power to say a hopeful word or do a kindness which will drive the discouragement from their hearts and move them again, with strength for brave, victorious, and songful living. Love is the greatest thing in the world. We are to see to it that everything we do and every influence of our life shall be for our neighbor's good. We are bound so to live that we shall do hurt to none, but shall edify- add something to the life of everyone.”

-St. Alexandra, Tsaritsa and New Martyr

Music Monday: The Longest Time

2012-01-16T21:53:00.000-06:00

I may have been born in the 70's, but I'm a child of the 80's. Musically speaking, that is. Eh, I'm over the shame of liking 80's music. To cheer myself up I've been sitting here playing a compendium of 80's hits and suddenly remembered one that wasn't even on the top hits list. I just played it, remembered ever word (I don't think anyone heard me singing...Father may be laughing his head off in the other room right now...) and loved every minute of it. Because I'm weird like that, I'm going to share it with you. The video is goofy but in a nicely goofy way.

Giving thanks for shortcomings

2012-01-16T10:26:00.001-06:00

If you're like me (and most of the world's population) you have examined yourself and found yourself wanting. Well and good, we're none of us perfect. While sometimes these introspective musings focus on one's spiritual health, sadly, most of the time they're focused on more superficial attributes. "If only I were better at math, had a green thumb, a better public speaker, weren't shy, could knit, were thinner, were taller, knew Italian, could cook better, were more popular..." One might fill in these blanks until the cows came home. I can compare this to liking your hair. You probably know five people you can name off the top of your head that have curly hair, red hair, fine hair, thick hair, long hair, blond hair, etc. Quite possibly none of them is satisfied with their hair and would gladly trade with someone else. Silly, but true. [If anyone with dark red hair is willing to trade for dark brown hair, contact me.]

On the other hand, all of us have talents in one thing or another. Some of these talents may not be recognized by the world as important, but they are talents nonetheless; such as being good with the elderly, being patient, putting people at ease. Not everyone can be a rock star (and not everyone wants to be). What if, you might say, I could combine putting people at ease with being a great cook? I could be the world's best hostess! What if I could combine patience and a thorough knowledge of languages? I could be a fantastic teacher! It does seem that there are these missing puzzle pieces that would enable us to be even better at what we can do.

Oddly enough, it occurred to me this morning that we might be deliberately given one talent but not its complementary talent for our own good. If you combined a thorough knowledge of a subject with the ability to teach and a gregarious nature, you could have your own podcast! You might have your own television show! You would be very popular. Don't you think that would put you in a very bad place as regards egoism and pride? Wouldn't you have a pretty hard battle? What if God protected you from a battle you might not be able to fight by letting you have the interest and knowledge in a subject and the ability to teach, but not the gregarious nature? You could teach classes locally and make a tremendous difference to the small groups of people you came in contact with, but you wouldn't have national fame. Maybe that is a saving grace. Say you have the gregarious nature and a hosting ability but lack the decorator's touch and the drive to keep a perfectly clean house: it's good for humility. You can go on and on (and you may be starting to think I am too!), but I think you get the idea.

Perhaps we should give thanks to God for our imperfectly matched talents. They might be our salvation.

First Liturgy

2012-01-15T22:20:00.000-06:00

Only just beginning

2012-01-15T21:28:00.000-06:00

This is the mark of Christianity: However much a man toils, and however many good deeds he performs, to feel that he has done nothing, and in fasting to say, "This is not true fasting," and in praying, "This is not true prayer," and in perseverance at prayer, "I have shown no real perseverance; I am only just beginning to practice and to take pains"; and even if he is righteous before God, he should say, "I am not righteous, not I; I do not take pains, but only make a beginning every day."

-St. Macarius the Great (4th c.)

One Month

2012-01-14T12:29:00.001-06:00

Just checking in.

Andrew was born one month ago last Thursday. A month seems like a long time, but it's only a drop in the bucket. Tomorrow is one month since we buried him. I haven't been back out to his grave since that day. We'll do a memorial service for his 40th day on the 21st.

Medically speaking we now know that we will never know why he died. I have my suspicions but they will remain suspicions. The weight of guilt is heavy.

The children are doing fine. They enjoyed Christmas and Theophany. Pickles has stopped asking when we can take the stone off of Innocent to see how much he has grown. I think he figured out after we buried Andrew that Innocent wasn't coming back. That day was also the first time I really saw him cry over it. I guess it sank in. He has been fine since though.

I put the new family picture up on the side bar. I also added an additional family picture: one of all of our patron saints. It feels a little funny saying that we are a family of nine, but we are. For now, the icon corner represents the only place we are all together. Innocent and Andrew are a part of our family even though they never knew us.

I am not "back". I am still restricting myself to ten websites including email and the weather. This self-imposed electronic isolation is still necessary. (Although, yes, I answer email.) The grieving process this time around is a little different. Not quite so much shock, more loss of hope. I need to go through Lost Innocents to see if anything needs to be modified or added since this second loss. I haven't been able to do it yet, nor have I been able to write Andrew's birth story. Being in the proximity of newborns whether in real life or virtually is still monumentally hard.

We had an accident before Christmas: one of the children spilled an entire cup of hot chocolate over Innocent's memory box. The box itself is ruined although the contents were largely protected. The photo albums need to be replaced but the photos are fine. I purchased an identical box and put all of the contents in it. Now both Andrew and Innocent's boxes need to be painted and lined. Again, it's something I haven't been able to do. I need to remind myself that it took almost six months before I finished Innocent's. The ruined box is still sitting on my dresser. Throwing it out feels like throwing him out. I can't do it. I would feel ridiculous putting a ruined wooden box in the attic, but I don't know what to do with it. So there it sits until I figure it out. I was able to remove the rickrack from the perimeter of the box so I can put it on the new box. At least part of it will be the same.

I want to send out a big thank you to all of you who have prayed, sent cards, gifts, letters, email, and in one case a donation to our church in memory of the boys (I won't embarrass you by identifying you but I'll let you know that we are purchasing an icon of St. Andrew for the church with part of it). I really do have a number of thank you notes sitting by the desk but I can't seem to pull myself together long enough to address and stamp them. They will get to you eventually. [I actually found sympathy thank you notes at the store. I didn't know they made such a thing. I didn't get them. They looked gloomy.] All of the love you all has shown has been very supportive. This time around I have struggled with despair more than anything else and it has been a tremendous help to keep receiving little reminders that I am not alone.

A special little thank you to my sister Rebecca and my friend Michelle who surprised me by making these little ornaments for the boys. It was a huge help to be able to hang them on the tree with our other children's baby ornaments. When we took all the decorations down these ornaments went into their own little box. I will look forward to hanging them every year.

I will try to check back in every so often.

From Michelle

From Rebecca

For the healthiest living...

2012-01-13T10:00:00.001-06:00

...trust the advertising.

Unbelievably, this next one is a legitimate advertisement. "So do yourself a favor. Do your child a favor. Start them on a strict regimen of sodas and other sugary carbonated beverages right now, for a lifetime of guaranteed happiness."

source

Wow.

source

You may not be able to read the finer print on this next one: "Mother knows Munchmallows are crammed with wholesome, energy-giving sugar. So it's ok by her when they eat them by the fistful."

source (and more)

Milestone

2012-01-11T19:01:00.000-06:00

Pickles turned five Monday. His first time serving in the altar was tonight at Vespers.

Stunning Exhibit

2012-01-08T23:33:00.002-06:00

2011-12-27T16:45:00.000-06:00

Andrew's story has joined Innocent's story as a separate page.

Urgent Prayer Request

2011-12-23T11:29:00.000-06:00

You know I'd only break the blogging silence for something really important.

Please, please pray for the child Noah. He has been doing much worse the last day or two and is steadily declining. They aren't sure he'll make it to Christmas. The nurses and doctor are working on getting him blood to transfuse at home (amongst many other things) and everyone is trying their best.

I know he'll be called to Heaven before much longer, but please pray that he at least celebrates one more Christmas with his earthly family.

Elizabeth at roosje is updating her blog from FB updates and it will probably stay more current than his own blog (or this one). If you are on FB you may be able to get updates that way too.

Thank you and Lord have mercy!!

2011-12-21T08:36:00.000-06:00

New article posted about photography and grief here: http://lostinnocentsorthodox.blogspot.com/2011/12/grieving-through-photographs.html

Another farewell...

2011-12-15T18:09:00.000-06:00

I need to take a break from blogging for a while. This has been a terribly hard year, many ups and downs. It's not going to be good for me to look at everyone else's pregnancy and baby news on their blogs either. This hurt is running too deep for words.

I appreciate all of your messages of support. They were and are needed and I am very grateful. I hope you all understand my need for a time of silence. This blog will not go away. At some point I'll compile all of Andrew's posts into a page called "Andrew's Story" to complement the one about his brother.

Hug your children tonight. Call people you love. Thank God for your blessings.

I hope each and every one of you has a blessed Advent and Christmas.

with love,

Mat. Anna

Farewell for now...

2011-12-15T18:03:00.000-06:00

May the memory of the infant Andrew be eternal!

Unanswerable Questions

2011-12-15T14:27:00.001-06:00

God, where do you put this much pain?

Are there wells deep enough?

How many pieces of your heart can you rip out before it just stops?

How do you spend the rest of the day after you bury your baby?

What am I supposed to do with this tragedy that has been handed to me?

"How are you doing?"

What does the future hold?

How do you sing Memory Eternal when grief has stolen your voice away?

How do you tell people that you can't "fix" grief?

How long will it be before I hold my babies again?

My Little Boy

2011-12-14T22:16:00.000-06:00

Just an addendum:

2011-12-13T20:47:00.000-06:00

Andrew was born after a difficult 11 hour labor. There were problems from the very beginning and it looked as if I'd have to have a D&C to prevent serious blood loss. Thanks be to God, the situation calmed down and things proceeded "normally" for a good while. I wasn't progressing, however, and we were again worried that a D&C would be necessary. Things picked up and I wound up in hard labor for about an hour and a half before he was born. He was born intact and it appeared that everything was fine. Within about a half hour they realized I was again losing far too much blood and after an examination it was determined that I had retained placenta. Procedures were done at the bedside to correct this - with the help of quite a number of staff - and although I lost a lot of blood, I did not have to have surgery. We were able to spend some time with our son. The staff at the hospital were absolutely superb and I'll be writing a letter to the hospital administration commending them. They, at the expense of time and trouble on their parts, made all the arrangements so that we could keep Andrew with us at all times until we went home. Because of the complications I had to stay overnight, something for which we had not planned. We got home this afternoon and are both exhausted.

I appreciate the many, many prayers that were sent up in the past weeks and especially yesterday. Thanks to Michelle for keeping everyone updated and for requesting prayers for us at critical times. I also appreciate the many notes of condolence that you all have sent in the mail and by email. I will get around to responding to everyone in time but at the moment I'm too weak to do a good job. Even though you're not hearing from me, understand that I appreciate and love you all very much.

We're still grieving and will do so for a long time. Christmas is a hard time to lose a baby. I know you all will continue to keep us in your prayers.

love,

Mat. Anna

Andrew

2011-12-13T11:27:00.000-06:00

Andrew

12-12-11

6:50 PM

30 gm / 1 oz

9 cm

12 - 13 weeks gestation

"With the saints give rest..."

Last day

2011-12-11T06:22:00.003-06:00

It's 5:50 and I can't sleep.

I lay in bed and realized this is my last full day to be pregnant (sort of), perhaps ever. I don't want to forget to take a belly picture.

I'm terribly nervous about tomorrow. I'm going to write a birth plan that includes all of the things we want and DON'T want. We'll go over our requirement that the baby stays with us at all times. If someone really wants to see if she weighs one ounce or two (how much would she weigh, anyway?) then I'm ok with Father walking her down to wherever they keep the scale, but I think that's highly unlikely. If they do not accede to that requirement, then we will leave. That's a hard decision to make, but I don't make it lightly. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever for the lab to "need" to check the baby in "for a few hours" or even five minutes.

So many things to do today. Liturgy this morning, of course. I'm not going into this ordeal tomorrow without having communed. I'll have Father anoint me tonight as well. My biggest priority today is making sure that everything is ready to go, lists made, bag packed, etc. We did find a basket that would work at Michael's yesterday but I have to line it and "pretty it up". I decided to take a small CD player and some Orthodox music to the hospital with us. I want to both avoid the silent room effect (I hate the TV) while hearing heart monitors and babies in the background and also want to not forget to focus where I need to be focusing.

One thing that will be travelling with us is an icon of St. Andrew. It's currently on the altar. Since this baby died on the feast of St. Andrew the name will either be Andrew or Andrea (ahnDRAYuh - I'm picky). Father asked them to rush the icon because it was for the burial of a child and they (the folks at Uncut Mountain) were most obliging. Not only that, but when it came, they put in an extra icon of St. Benedict as a Christmas present. I wrote them back to thank them and told them that what Father hadn't mentioned was that the child in question was our own, and we thanked them very much for their kindness.

The house is always quiet this early, but this morning it's preternaturally quiet. No quiet breathing in the other rooms and no Pickles climbing in bed with me. Friends offered to take the children from yesterday until Tuesday or Wednesday, depending on how things go, and we dropped them off yesterday. Last night I was naturally enough worrying about them, hoping they're happy, etc. I told myself that of course the children are fine. I'd trust these friends with my life and I've just given them five huge chunks of it. Worrying about them is something that I most definitely have no need of doing. Then I had a thought: I'm trusting friends who do love my children with them and telling myself not to worry. How on earth could I worry about my two children who are in Heaven and much better off than any of us? Sigh. It just comes down to missing them, not worrying I guess.

Sigh again. I mentally can't get away from tomorrow. Many of you over the years have praised my "pro-life witness" and boy, if this isn't pro-life witness - insisting that my baby of 13 weeks stay with me, then go home dressed in a tiny gown, in the face of people who would call her medical waste (not an exaggeration - true) - then I don't know what is.* I would appreciate your prayers that things go smoothly tomorrow.

That brings me to one more thing: gratitude. I can't believe the number of you who have done your detective work to find out my address and sent letters and cards, many handmade. You will never know how many times those cards (something has arrived every day) have lifted me out of a dark place. And only two of you have I ever met "in real life". I'm especially grateful for those of you who have taken the time to tell me, whether by card or email, how something I've written about this baby or Innocent has helped them or a friend or family member.* Knowing that good things have come from my children's deaths is bittersweet, but that's much better than bitter. I certainly don't deserve any of this, but I'm very grateful. We may have to get a bigger memory box or two for this baby if too many more cards come! (:

Given how much of a talker (writer) I am, I'm sure I'll post again before tomorrow morning. But I will definitely post when we get back from the hospital. I'm hoping to have a "bloggable" picture to post as well. Thank you all again for all of your love and prayers.

-Mat. Anna

*After some reflection I realized this all sounded rather self-aggrandizing. What I should say more clearly, is that I've been able to see how God has used bad situations for good. I'm honestly not trying to toot my own horn.

A Christmas Story

2011-12-08T21:58:00.000-06:00

I went in the thrift store Tuesday looking for a basket I could line to put my baby in. I didn't find one. I looked around to see if they had a nice box but they didn't. I went to the store afterward and got a casket and memory box. While I was at the thrift store I noticed they had a number of Christmas things out, notably some Christmas village houses, the kind with the light inside. I was fairly despondent so I didn't think about it too much.

Today we were going to be setting up the Christmas tree and putting the lights on. I had given some thought to how I wanted to do some of the decorating. I don't know how much sense it makes but I wanted to deliberately do something different. Even though we didn't have either of these babies for a Christmas with us, I had mentally worked them in and felt the need to change things around so I wasn't thinking so much about how they weren't here with us. You may remember the mantle I did last year. I suddenly thought about those village pieces and remembered that we had one already. What if I got a few more and did a little village on the mantle? Father said to go back to the store and get them. They were only a few dollars each anyway.

This afternoon I went back to the thrift store. I immediately picked up two buildings that appeared to be in working order. After glancing around I realized that the staff had put out a lot more Christmas stuff since Tuesday. I decided to have a look around. I found two old-fashioned china St. Nicholas figures and put them with the houses. Then I saw it.

A few rows over I saw the back of a stable. It looked just like the one we had when I was growing up. I held my breath and walked around to the other side. It was. It was almost exactly like the nativity stable I remembered. I was just beginning to be sorry there were no figures when my eyes caught sight of a small, decrepit cardboard box next to the stable. I looked inside. Wrapped in fragile brown paper were the figures. I carefully picked through them and realized the whole set was there. And they looked just like the ones we had growing up. I checked the price. Four dollars. I nearly cried right there in the store.

I got it, of course. I brought it home and showed Father. We both thought it was a Fontanini set - the base of each piece said "Italy". Father checked online and it is indeed a Fontanini, probably from the 1960's. How it got into the thrift store I'll never know. They had just put it out and the woman said she hadn't even looked through the box to see if all the pieces were there.

I've wanted one of these for years. We priced them last year but they start at at least $100. The overwhelming feeling I had, standing in the store (irrational or not) was that this was the babies' Christmas present to me. I wept when I got home and put all the pieces out. The only thing I had wanted for Christmas this year I couldn't have. But they gave me a Nativity scene.

Merry Christmas in Heaven, sweethearts.

Humility, Love and the Incarnation

2011-12-08T11:08:00.000-06:00

I am so humbled by the number of you who have sent cards and letters, emails, left comments, prayed. I feel like there's some sort of misconception that I'm this nice person, a prayerful, holy person, and I'm so definitely not. I joke that I'm so far from being on the bottom rung of the ladder of St. John, I haven't even found the ladder yet. I know you all are my betters. But if pitiful, sinful people weren't here on Earth then there would be no one for the rest of you to pray for. It's hard for me to let people do for me, even to pray for me, but I have no choice right now. There are a few times in our lives when we are so beaten down that we have no choice but to let others lift us back up. It's humiliating, in the theological sense.

This is tangential, but read Nonna's latest post please. She's so much more eloquent than I and she expresses things so well. An excerpt:

Christ’s Love is a suffering love… it is compassionate – with passion (in the ancient sense) – it suffers with others, and so bears their burdens. I’ve said it before… Love hurts. It hurts to see people hungry, to see them in pain, to see them dying… When we love someone our hearts are laid bare for them. They will hurt us – whether by words, or deeds (or non-deeds) – by dying, or by suffering in front of us – by misunderstandings, or disagreements – by joys unshared, or expectations unmet… in some way we will be hurt. And that is when we can become more like Christ… it is then our life can live out the truth, “I must decrease, and He must increase.” Real love remembers the Truth beyond the pain… and it realizes the pain is an integral part of the joy. Love is the ultimate “bright-sadness” – as the times of the Fasts teach us…

So, how do we learn this love? We don’t… we live it. And we take the time to stop, to remember… we are to love everyone. Not just those who love us… We are to love the cold-hearted, the uncaring… we must remember that we need them. They are the ones who make us more and more like the One Who is Love.

Thinking about Christmas, the baby in the manger, has made me bitter a few times in the last week. My baby will be in the cold ground by then. But the honest reality of that incarnation is terrible. One of the gifts of the magi was myrrh. The Theotokos, in all of the icons depicting her with the infant Christ, is sad. The spear has already pierced her heart. As mothers we must remember that spear any time a child is conceived. Because on this earth, all life ends in death. But all death ends in life everlasting.

Grief

2011-12-07T10:56:00.000-06:00

It's striking how many metaphors there are for grief. Storms, tossing oceans, valleys, mountains, roller coasters. One line from the Orthodox Church's memorial services keeps coming back to mind: "You who have trod the narrow way of grief..."

You who have trod the narrow way of grief;
All you who, in life have taken upon you the Cross as a yoke,
And followed Me by faith,
Draw near, enjoy the honours and celestial crowns I have prepared for you.

After Innocent died I couldn't help feeling rather shunted aside by the Church. Because my child had not been baptised he would not have a funeral, would not have panikhidas celebrated in church, would not be commemorated among the dead during services. I did come to terms with that and explained it here. The one thing that never failed to comfort me was the set of verses from the memorial hymn above. There have been many memorial services celebrated since Innocent died and at each one I looked forward to this verse. I felt like the Church was comforting ME specifically, acknowledging the pain that I had suffered and still suffer, granting it weight. That in some way there was purpose to the grief I suffered.

I'm feeling that once again. Next week we will lay yet another little still form in the ground. It's not spring this time. Pascha is not just over the horizon. The only flowers I can gather from the yard are camellias which aren't pressable (with the exception of the certifiably insane hydrangea in the side yard which has persisted in blooming this week despite weather to the contrary). Once again I will be whispering my baby's name during the litany of the faithful when it comes time to list the departed, since my babies aren't technically included.

God hears the cries of my heart. He weeps with me. I happened to read this the night we found out our baby had departed:

[Aslan has asked Digory if he will help rid Narnia of the evil that Digory (unwittingly) brought into it.]

"Yes," said Digory. He had had for a second some wild idea of saying, "I'll try to help you if you'll promise to help my Mother," but he realized in time that the Lion was not at all the sort of person one could try to make bargains with. But when he had said "Yes," he thought of his Mother, and he thought of the great hopes he had had, and how they were all dying away, and a lump came in his throat and tears in his eyes, and he blurted out:

"But please, please - won't you - can't you give me something that will cure Mother?" Up till then he had been looking at the Lion's great feet and the huge claws on them; now, in his despair, he looked up at its face. What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life. For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shining tears stood in the Lion's eyes. They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory's own that for a moment he felt as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself.

--C.S.Lewis, The Magician's Nephew

As much as I love my babies, God loves them infinitely more. I can't understand this, just as I can't understand why they are in Heaven and not with me. I can't understand lots of things. But I mostly accept that I don't have to understand, that God doesn't need me to understand, but to endure and trust.

St. Nicholas

2011-12-05T20:28:00.010-06:00

Tonight, the eve of the feast of St. Nicholas,

patron and protector of children.

Memory Eternal to little Nicholas, the son of Laura,

on this, his one year anniversary.

Through the prayers of St. Nicholas,

may all of us who have little ones in Heaven

be granted peace and joy.

Nicholas

Innocent and sibling

Esther and Lydia

Joseph

Luka and Jo

Brianne and two siblings

Gregory and Anastasios

Seraphim

Isaac

Nicholas Andrew

Gwendolynn, Spring and Dove

Riley, Paisley and Waverley

(I'll add more if names are left in the comment box.)

Blue Blanket

2011-12-04T15:41:00.000-06:00

Pink Blanket

2011-12-04T11:53:00.000-06:00

4 AM

2011-12-03T09:09:00.000-06:00

It's dark at 4 AM.

At 8 AM I remember my child is in heaven. At 4 AM I wonder where she is. I wonder where Innocent is. I worry about them crying and not being held. My heart aches. My useless, empty arms ache.

I fell asleep reading last night at 8:00. Father stayed awake as long as he could, afraid I would wake up alone. When I woke up, I wasn't sleepy. I said the Jesus prayer. I remembered the wonderful woman in Tasmania who promised to keep a candle burning all day every day there until I delivered my baby, because it's nighttime here when it's daytime there. That way, if I woke up in the middle of the night I would feel someone praying. It's true. It was comforting.

At 4:30 I hunted around and found my book light and tried to read. Horrible grief sat at my shoulder, tapping insistently as I read frantically. There's only so long you can push it away as it gnaws into your spine.

Before 5:00 I gave up and cried. Father woke up.

Thank you, God, for my husband, who held me while I cried, who didn't offer idle rationalizations, who said, "I know," when I cried, "It isn't fair!" Who assured me my babies were happy, had never known one moment of fear, pain, hunger, sadness. I know that, I just need to hear it. A mother's heart is hard to comfort.

I cried myself out by dawn. Father went back to sleep. I read about children freezing on the prairie in 1888 in one of the worst blizzards in history. Pickles got me up to get him breakfast after 8:00.

My eyes are burning. They haven't felt right in 2 days. Someone changed the calendar from November to December in the kitchen. I feel like I fell through a time-warp. I read the emails accumulated from last night. I have so many to respond to. I'm grateful for the time each person spent sending them and leaving comments. I remind myself when I note that I've lost blog subscribers since Thursday that some people don't have any more room for pain in their life. I can understand that. I don't feel like I have room myself.

The day stretches out like eternity. Will I eat today? I don't know. Father will probably spoon something in if I refuse. He was alarmed when he realized how little I had to drink yesterday and the day before. The knowledge that I could have caffeine out the wazoo is so depressing.

I will probably make the blankets today. I made the gown and bonnet yesterday, can make the blankets today and then...a casket? What am I going to do for the next 9 days? I can't make diapers, I can't crochet a layette. I can't get a bassinet ready.

Waiting is so hard. But I would have cheerfully waited for a different outcome, not this.

Something pretty

2011-12-02T16:52:00.000-06:00

I so badly want this baby to have something pretty. I feel like I did the best I could for Innocent under the circumstances. I was so worried about having an intact body (and not having to go through surgery) that I didn't do all I could for him. I don't really feel guilt; like I said, I did the best I could. But there were many times I thought "next time I would do this" even while acknowledging that assuming I would lose another child was rather morbid. I guess you could say I'm benefiting from experience.

I had assumed that babies this small were impossible to dress so I didn't attempt to make anything for Innocent. Afterward, I was hurt that I had to lay him in his grave "undressed". I've thought about it since and looked at his pictures many times. I decided that I would at least make the attempt to dress this baby.

The flannel gown opens in back and the sleeves are short and wide enough so that I shouldn't damage her arms trying to get them in. The bonnet is fairly simple. I was afraid to try to make a stocking-type cap because the size would have to really be right and I didn't want to damage her head.

I'll take these to the hospital and dress her after she's born. Everything is white, like a baptismal gown, so if this is a boy it will be fine.

I took the pictures on some of the flannel I'm going to use to make a little blanket.

It really helps to be able to do something for my baby.

Day 2

2011-12-02T13:08:00.000-06:00

I appreciate all of the prayers and expressions of sympathy. I can't wake up from this nightmare. I'm trying to internalize what happened but it's so huge and horrible it just simply doesn't fit.

I'm making a "to do" list to keep me sane because I'm a list-maker.

1. Order icon of St. Andrew. (done)
2. Make measurement sketch from photos of Innocent - they will be the same size.
3. Make tiny white shroud and cap.
4. Make small flannel blanket in pink (and blue just in case).
5. Shop for casket.
6. Modify casket.
7. Arrange childcare for when in hospital. (friend working on it)
8. Pack hospital bag.
9. Make list of everything I want to do with the baby so I don't forget in my fogginess.

I've decided that I'm not going to let the hospital staff take the baby away out of sight even for a minute. I just can't trust that they won't do something to her or not let me have her back. What will they do, arrest me? Personal feelings simply don't come into play. It just seems much wiser to hold her and not let anyone take her away.

I can't forget that this is Advent. I can't forget that the feast of St. Nicholas is next week. My five living children will have a happy Christmas if it kills me. The reason I am going with the induction is so I don't risk miscarrying on Christmas eve.

I'm sorry this is so incoherent. I'm grateful for all of you, for your support and prayers. I want to let you know what's going on.

2011-12-01T14:09:00.000-06:00

There's no other way to put this. I couldn't find a heartbeat this morning with the doppler. We drove up the interstate to the hospital and my doctor confirmed with an ultrasound that the baby died. I last got a heartbeat, a nice strong one, late Tuesday night, so that means the baby almost certainly died yesterday, the feast of St. Andrew. I'm in shock. I feel like this can't possibly be happening again. My two babies died at the same age. In the event that I haven't delivered by then I have a scheduled induction Monday the 12th. They have assured me we'll be able to take the baby home to bury.

Please keep us all in your prayers. This is so hard.

Fasting Coconut Soup

2011-11-30T21:17:00.001-06:00

This recipe is adapted from a favorite soup (Coconut Chicken Soup) served at Surin of Thailand, a particularly awesome restaurant. Ok, so it's better with chicken, but it's pretty darn good the way we make it too. (: This is a good festal or company recipe.

[Your only issue may be finding the ingredients. I managed to work around it for the most part and it still tastes authentic so substitutions seem to be ok.]

1-2        canola oil
3 T        lemongrass (I used the paste but the original recipe calls for fresh lemongrass, the
              outer sheath removed, bottom three inches trimmed and minced.")
2 T        fresh ginger, minced (I sliced it instead so I could avoid the slices while eating.)
1           clove garlic, minced (I used pre-minced.)
2-3 t      Thai red curry paste (This is the one you may have trouble with. I used 1/2 t. red
              pepper instead.)
6 cups    vegetable stock/broth
3 T        fish sauce or soy sauce (I encourage fish sauce but don't smell it closely...)
1 T        sugar
2 14 oz cans coconut milk (Regular works better than lite but either will do.)
1 pkg    extra firm tofu, slice into 1inch x 1/4 inch pieces and drain
1 lg pkg mushrooms, sliced
               juice of 2 limes

Heat the oil over medium heat in a large, heavy pot. Add the lemon grass, ginger and garlic and cook (stirring constantly) for about a minute. Be careful not to let the garlic burn - remove from heat temporarily if necessary. Add the curry paste (if you have it) and continue to stir for another 30 to 60 seconds.

Add about 1/2 cup of the vegetable broth to dissolve the spices and stir well. Add the rest of the broth, fish sauce and sugar (and pepper if you didn't use curry paste) and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low, cover and simmer for about 15 minutes.

Add the mushrooms and simmer for an additional 5 minutes.

Add the coconut milk, tofu and lime juice. Stir carefully (so you don't demolish the tofu). Bring back to a simmer and cook for another 5 to 10 minutes.

Serve immediately (but if you're still working on dinner for the kids and it has to wait on the stove for another 20 minutes, don't panic, just reduce the heat to very low, cover and serve it when you can.) You can garnish with chopped green onions or cilantro if you like.

(Here's a link to a non-fasting variety. It's incredible.)

Life in the magazines

2011-11-30T09:09:00.000-06:00

I only get one magazine: Southern Living. I used to get others (Better Homes and Gardens, Living, Victoria), but I got rid of them one by one. [I'd probably get Victoria again because I only stopped getting it when they stopped the magazine (temporarily as it turned out).] I like the recipes, I like the decorating ideas, I like having something to read. But magazines are weird.

They'll tout something like "simple living" and show a room full of "simple" things that cost an arm and a leg. They'll show a house that purports to be "authentically antique" full of things the designer/decorator found at auction, on the side of the road (in Virginia, of course), or in the home-owner's third home. The house itself is a recreation of an old design and cost a bundle. They'll show a house that's "green", full of energy-saving devices, reclaimed wood, etc., but it's on a small island off the east coast and everything had to be brought across by ferry to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars.

The featured dinner parties, barbecues, crab boils, etc., are attended by nicely dressed people in their late thirties to forties who do not have children (or whose children must be home with the nanny). Any parties that show children feature three at most (for all of the guests) and they are treated as fashion accessories.

They tout "flirting at work" as good for your career and include articles which mean that you'd better not leave those magazines around for your children to find. "Look sexy at any age" is a frequent cover story. [Let me tell you: when I'm 65, "sexy" had better not describe my "look".]

Let's just say that these magazines do not reflect real life.

"Simple Living" means living with what you have, making do, or doing without. "Authentically antique homes" feature doorknobs that stick, drafty windows and very few closets. "Green" means a clothesline in the backyard, bathing children in batches and letting your yard turn brown when it doesn't rain. And if you flirt at work (God forbid), you're probably going to get what you deserve.

I guess it comes down to what life is supposed to be. Is it supposed to be about impressing people, having the "right" things, buying extravagantly, winning "home of the year" contests and constantly feeling discontented? Or is it supposed to be about having humility, raising children, saving your soul and glorifying God?

Ten Goals for Christmas

2011-11-29T17:30:00.000-06:00

1. Stay happy and calm (i.e. - don't lose my peace).

2. Keep things simple.

3. Enjoy it.

4. Take pictures but don't live behind the lens.

5. Stop comparing myself to others. (see #1)

6. Stay healthy.

7. Say, "I am not Martha Stewart, I am not Martha Stewart," as often as necessary. (see #1 and #5)

8. Let the children run the decorating. It doesn't have to be perfect.

9. Before committing to something ask, "Is this important? Will we remember it next year? Is it more trouble than it's worth?" (see #2)

10. Pray.

12 Weeks 5 Days

2011-11-28T08:27:00.000-06:00

That's where we are today. That was what Innocent measured when he died.

I don't think I properly realized the miracle that Innocent was. That something so precious and complex could grow from the union of two cells. Before he died he was kicking, moving around, possibly sucking his thumb. I never got to see it, but it was there. I try not to dwell on it but I wonder from time to time when exactly he died. What happened? Did he struggle? What did he think when he saw his guardian angel?

With this baby, I am in awe every time I find the heartbeat. I slowly move the transducer, marveling that he or she is in a different spot every single time. When I finally lock onto the heartbeat, trucking away at around 155 now, I heave a sigh of relief. I listen for a while. I know exactly what this baby looks like right now, having held the older brother in my hand at the same age. Occasionally I'll hear thumps and realize I'm hearing kicks. The last few days I'll be listening and suddenly, without my moving a millimeter, the heartbeat will disappear and I'll have to move over a bit to find it again. This little one likes to swim. (:

Miraculous indeed.

(This is NOT our baby, but a baby about the same age whom you can see moving quite a bit.)

Noah Prayer Requests

2011-11-27T20:52:00.000-06:00

Noah is not doing well. It isn't clear that he will last until Christmas. Please read the update here. His mother Kate has requested prayers:

Please pray specifically for these things:

-- better pain and nausea control for Noah

-- that we will all find peace and joy during this season

-- for wisdom and peace as we make decisions about treatment and all of the other hard things we have to discuss

-- for peace or provision regarding the cemetery (please forgive me - I know that is not really important in the scheme of things, but for whatever reason it weighs on Jeff and I)

-- for the other children as we help them navigate joy and sorrow and fear all at the same time

--for some sort of rest for Jeff and I - it isn't possible to get more than a very few hours of sleep a night, and I'm not sleeping well even when I do sleep

-- for wisdom and discernment about so many things, and for time to do things - it's been suggested that we celebrate Christmas early. We aren't going to do that right now, but I am working hard to get everything wrapped, decorations out, and everything organized so that we can celebrate an early Christmas at a moment's notice if we need to do so. My shopping is basically done - we simply don't have the means to do much this year, but were able to brave the Black Friday madness and get a gift for each child - but the tree is bare and I haven't started decorating or finished wrapping. I also need to find time to get the children out one at a time so they can shop for their "Secret Santa" gift - they each draw the name of one sibling and shop for him/her. I ordered some natural colored frosting from Whole Foods and will pick it up after hem/onc tomorrow - I am determined to do our annual tradition of having friends over to decorate Christmas cookies. Having said all of that, each day I think "I'll do xyz tomorrow," but then find my day rapidly consumed with all that must be done. I know I will rest easier when I can put the Christmas to-do's behind me and know that we are ready to go early if needed. (Please don't think that I am implying that I need a "Martha Stewart" Christmas - we keep things simple and family/memory making oriented, but no matter what, there are certain things that need to get done.)

--for wisdom and creativity about where in the house to have Noah and how to arrange our house. I want so much for people to be able to come and visit and sit with him, but only having room for two uncomfortable little folding chairs makes that hard - and there is really nothing inviting or restful about being crammed between a hospital bed and a row of bunk beds! When he is in his room, I'm in there a lot, and if I'm not in there, I end up having to run across the house all of the time when he calls for me.

-- for efficiency. The only time I have to do things are when he is sleeping hard or resting peacefully, and even then there are only a two breaks in medicine administration when I can really be away. Part of me wants to spend every single moment sitting there staring at him, but the rest of me realizes that I have seven other children, a husband, and household to manage. I need to find the balance so that I don't shortchange the others but don't look back and regret time I didn't spend with Noah.

--most importantly, for us to all run this race well. Really, none of the other stuff matters like this does. We want all of this to bring glory to God. We want our children's faith to be strengthened, not broken, and we want to be found faithful in all of this. There is nothing in the world that I care about like this, and nothing I would trade for just being able to finish well.

Crocheted Lacy Baby Cap in Wool

2011-11-27T20:29:00.000-06:00

(Don't ask for the pattern. I made it up as I went along.)

Parhelion

2011-11-27T20:27:00.000-06:00

We saw a parhelion (or "sundog") on the way home on Saturday. I'd have gotten better pictures if they hadn't been snapped through the windshield as we were driving. *grimace*

Post-Thanksgiving trip up to Sewanee

2011-11-25T18:12:00.000-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T18:16:00.000-06:00

Top 10 Things I Thought About Today

2011-11-22T20:45:00.000-06:00

1. I love Mentholatum. Love it.

2. Washcloths are rougher than handkerchiefs, but you'll use anything in a pinch.

3. The Hitchhiker's Guide books weren't as funny this time around.

4. I hate packing for trips.

5. Naps are a double-edged sword: helpful if you're exhausted but they leave you groggy and don't help your nocturnal sleeping pattern.

6. Is it worth it to suffer with only Mentholatum and Tylenol to keep the medication miscarriage risk to zero? Yes it is.

7. You know, I really like some 80's music.

8. I'd forgotten all about Micky Mouse Disco until Father pulled it up on Youtube. Hahahahaha....

9. I meant to cut my hair, but I'm too tired and feel to bad to care.

10. Twelve weeks tomorrow...

Noah Updates

2011-11-21T21:29:00.000-06:00

As you know, Noah has been very ill for the past few weeks. Today it was decided that the best thing to do would be to forego further painful tests and take him home and make him as comfortable as possible. He is not actively dying (per his mother's post) but clearly he is winding down. They will also be getting a night nurse through hospice for the first time since his medical care has become virtually continuous and more than his parents can keep up with at night.

Please pray for a smooth transition home tomorrow, for adequate pain and nausea relief, for a night nurse to be made available quickly. Pray for Noah's peace of mind and for his grieving family. Pray that he makes it through Christmas.

Thank you.

Entrance of the Mother of God into the Temple

2011-11-21T10:47:00.002-06:00

Joyous Feastday!

Today is one of the 12 great feasts of the Church. We commemorate the day that Mary, the Mother of God entered the temple as a three-year-old.

When Mary was three years old, Joachim and Anna decided that the time had come to fulfill their promise and to offer her to the Lord. Joachim gathered the young girls of the neighborhood to form an escort, and he made them go in front of Mary, carrying torches. Captivated by the torches, the young child followed joyfully to the Temple, not once looking back at her parents nor weeping as she was parted from them.

The holy Virgin ran toward the Temple, overtaking her attendant maidens and threw herself into the arms of the High Priest Zacharias, who was waiting for her at the gate of the Temple with the elders. Zacharias blessed her saying, "It is in you that He has glorified your name in every generation. It is in you that He will reveal the Redemption that He has prepared for His people in the last days."

Then, Zacharias brought the child into the Holy of Holies—a place where only the High Priest was permitted to enter once a year on the Day of Atonement. He placed her on the steps of the altar, and the grace of the Lord descended upon her. She arose and expressed her joy in a dance as wonder seized all who saw this happen.

The Virgin Mary dwelt in the Temple for nine years until, reaching an age for marriage, she was taken from the Temple by the priests and elders and entrusted to Joseph as the guardian of her virginity.
(source)

Troparion - Tone 4

Today is the prelude of the good will of God,

of the preaching of the salvation of mankind.

The Virgin appears in the Temple of God,

in anticipation proclaiming Christ to all.

Let us rejoice

and sing to her:

“Rejoice, O Fulfillment of the Creator’s dispensation!”

Oh, and the sky isn't blue.

2011-11-20T17:36:00.000-06:00

Wow, did you know that drinking water will not combat dehydration? According to the European Food Standards Authority (EFSA) it won't.

EU officials concluded that, following a three-year investigation, there was no evidence to prove the previously undisputed fact.

Producers of bottled water are now forbidden by law from making the claim and will face a two-year jail sentence if they defy the edict, which comes into force in the UK next month.

German professors Dr Andreas Hahn and Dr Moritz Hagenmeyer, who advise food manufacturers on how to advertise their products, asked the European Commission if the claim could be made on labels.

They compiled what they assumed was an uncontroversial statement in order to test new laws which allow products to claim they can reduce the risk of disease, subject to EU approval.

They applied for the right to state that “regular consumption of significant amounts of water can reduce the risk of development of dehydration” as well as preventing a decrease in performance.

However, last February, the European Food Standards Authority (EFSA) refused to approve the statement.

A meeting of 21 scientists in Parma, Italy, concluded that reduced water content in the body was a symptom of dehydration and not something that drinking water could subsequently control.

Now the EFSA verdict has been turned into an EU directive which was issued on Wednesday.

This is nuts.

Ukip MEP Paul Nuttall said the ruling made the “bendy banana law”* look “positively sane”.

He said: “I had to read this four or five times before I believed it. It is a perfect example of what Brussels does best. Spend three years, with 20 separate pieces of correspondence before summoning 21 professors to Parma where they decide with great solemnity that drinking water cannot be sold as a way to combat dehydration.

*I couldn't not look this up. Apparently in 2008 a law was passed by these same folks (and subsequently repealed) that regulated the maximum curvature of bananas that could be commercially sold, and said that cucumbers had to be straight.

Amazing video

2011-11-19T15:02:00.000-06:00

Thanks to Joseph at Byzantine Texas for posting this today. It's just amazing.

Large families, Small houses

2011-11-19T12:45:00.000-06:00

I came across this blog a good while ago and forgot about it until today. If you're trying to fit a large family into a small house then there is a world of practical help on this blog: Life in a Shoe: the methods and madness of one family of 12.

Some of the topics covered:

Storage space
Cooking on a budget
Homeschooling
Cleaning
Floor plans
Cutting down on clutter
Vehicles
Laundry
etc.

Even if you're not squeezing your brood into a little house or if you only have a handful, you should find tons of information from someone who learned it in the trenches.

Enjoy!!

Fasting Recipes

2011-11-18T11:05:00.000-06:00

I was looking back in my archives for some fasting recipes and thought I'd just put together a list of some of my favorites.

Lentil Soup

Muffin Experiment (This one is more hilarious than helpful but I'm including it anyway.)

Pumpkin Spice Cupcakes with Maple Frosting

Marinara Sauce

Coconut Cream Pie

Fasting Cracker Snacks

Biscuit Dough Doughnuts

In addition, Michelle posted a great (and easy) recipe for fasting Pumpkin Blueberry Muffins. Yum!

Happy Birthday Duchess!

2011-11-17T21:56:00.000-06:00

Duchess turned 11 today. 11 years ago it was snowing as the sun set and all the snow turned pink. A few hours later we left for the hospital.

White and turquoise. Her choice. (The pearls were my embellishment.)

What you do when you need blue and green candles and nothing matches...

Her great-grandmother's apron.

Two children's cookbooks from grandparents. (:

"Please...no pictures..."

Happy birthday!!

Continue the prayers for Noah

2011-11-16T23:34:00.000-06:00

Noah is getting worse and several complications have cropped up. Please pray for his pain control. Even though that's not as life-threatening as some of the other things going on, it's hard to watch your child in constant pain. Lord have mercy!

Handmade Endeavors

2011-11-16T15:25:00.000-06:00

Let me preface this by saying gracious, am I tired. So I apologize for being skimpy lately and stingy with the photographs. Getting the camera out and focusing in so as to exclude the mess feels like an insurmountable effort.

So I really hope you appreciate this. (:

My mother sent me a book late spring which I have read but (shamefully) haven't actually used yet. Well, yesterday I decided that was absurd. I know many of you have heard of it (and probably have it): Healthy Bread in Five Minutes a Day. I got the ingredients I needed yesterday (I had never even heard of vital wheat gluten) and finally scraped up enough energy to get started a little while ago. I'm pinning my hopes on the payoff: good, homemade bread and making it again in the days to come without all the prep work. With the Nativity fast here, we all tend to eat more bread (yes, yes, carbohydrate addicts) and not only am I picky about the bread I eat but I don't want to have to shop multiple times a week to keep it fresh. Plus, it gets expensive.

The only picture I have to show you at the moment is the dough. That is some sticky stuff, let me tell you. It will go in the oven after Vespers tonight.

The other thing percolating is also from a book, one my sister just sent me. I had to tear myself away from it so I could start the bread. I had heard of this before on Pleasant View Schoolhouse and admired it but hadn't ever thought to get the book. It's Alabama Studio Style by Anna Chanin (click on her name to visit the studio site). How nice to see that raw edges can be beautiful. It's the edging that has always kept me away from applique. Thanks, Em!!

I wonder what I will make first?

Repurposing Tutorials

2011-11-15T10:44:00.000-06:00

I love turning something into something else. That doesn't necessarily mean clothing.

Over the years I've found some of the niftiest repurposing tutorials ever. Some of them people have sent me and some I've just stumbled upon. I decided they were too fun not to share.

This Shirt Skirt Tutorial has got to be one of my favorites. Laura just sent it to me the other day and I'm sold. I haven't been to the thrift store yet but I'm heading there soon and will look at the 2-3X t-shirts.

These are extra large men's t-shirts lopped off below the sleeves and shirred at the top with elastic thread. No hemming.

This Smock from a Man's Shirt is from Anna at Pleasant View Schoolhouse. She is big on repurposing thrifted items and if you haven't visited her site, do it.

I myself have made aprons (here and here) from linen sheath dresses from the thrift store. I need to keep an eye out for more dresses...

This is one I haven't tried yet but I'm going to. Wool Soakers from Sweaters. Seriously easy.

What are your favorite repurposing projects?

Pictures!

2011-11-14T18:59:00.000-06:00

The appointment was fine. It was fantastic to see the doctor again (we had a good time catching up) and the baby was fine. I did have an ultrasound and the heartbeat was 160 (good). My official due date is June 6th.

This has got to be one of the cutest pictures I have of a baby this young (10+weeks):

Look at those little legs and feet! (I think that's the cord trailing off to the left...)

And one more:

This is a little harder to see, but the head is on the right, the body is on the left

and there is a hand up next to the face.

Daybook: November 14, 2011

2011-11-14T11:57:00.002-06:00

Outside my window...

77 degrees, partly cloudy, off and on breezes from the south, 68% humidity. It feels and smells like spring but it looks like fall. We have the windows open. There's a possibility of rain later.

I am thinking...

That it sure would be nice to have a porch swing.

I am thankful for...

A husband who pitches in with the dishes
Girls who help around the house
Watching my sons create a city in their room (that takes up the whole floor)
The lovely breeze
Getting to 10 weeks
Books and music
Watching Are You Being Served? while eating 3 meat pizza last night
Not having to get up to take Ribby to school this morning
Although I'm nauseated, I'm not throwing up.

From the learning rooms...

I'm trying not to get too far behind. I was so exhausted last week while I was on my own that it was hard to stay motivated. I really, really want to get the school year completely finished before the baby is due.

From the kitchen...

We're gearing up for the Nativity fast which starts tomorrow. To be honest, I still have to put together some menus and a grocery list. I was feeling pretty sick this morning and that derailed everything. Food is a love-hate thing right now and I never know what I'm going to be able to eat. I'm having a small dish of cottage cheese with apricot preserves at the moment and my most-craved food has been Subway.

I am creating...

I'm making some Christmas presents for nieces and nephews. Can't reveal any more or it won't be a surprise!

I am going...

I'm headed to the doctor's office this afternoon. The new doctor. I'm hoping they'll do an ultrasound. I've been checking the heartbeat almost every evening so at least I'm not worried I'll get there and the baby will be dead. It's not something I ever worried about before, to be sure. My biggest worry is finding out that the hospital is still in the dark ages as far as labor and delivery goes.

I am reading...

I read through five of Chaim Potok's books in the last several days and A Briefer History of Time.

I am hoping and praying...

For the child Noah. I haven't heard any updates since my last post. Update as of Monday night.
For multiple pregnant women (Kh. Patty, Elizabeth, Sarah, Trish, Kh. Nicole, and one who is still anonymous)
For my unborn child

I am hearing...

tinnitus
lunchtime chatter at the table
leaves falling

Around the house...

I'm trying to keep my head above water. I haven't done any decorating or anything lately.

A few plans for the rest of the week...

Duchess' birthday this week - she's turning 11.
Shopping for the fast.

Here are some picture thoughts I am sharing...

Father had the camera last week and took this during his retreat.

2011-11-13T18:58:00.000-06:00

Please do keep the child Noah in your prayers. Over the last few days he's done better, worse, better, but may have aspirated this evening and lost one of his IV accesses from vomiting so hard. His mother is very worried.

2011-11-13T17:23:00.000-06:00

"Whoever destroys a soul, it is considered as if he destroyed an entire world. And whoever saves a life, it is considered as if he saved an entire world."

--Jerusalem Talmud, Sanhedrin 4:1 (22a)

The Dress Dilemma

2011-11-12T16:09:00.000-06:00

I am so aggravated.

Duchess (about to turn 11) wants clothes (mostly dresses) for her birthday. Easy, you'd think. Even if you're looking for modest clothing it shouldn't be that hard if you have internet access. Except she doesn't like pink. Sigh. She doesn't want pastels. She doesn't want large flower prints. She doesn't want frills and frou-frou. She wants BLUE and BROWN. In all honesty, those colors look great with her coloring and pink doesn't do anything for her.

So (obviously) I went first to LandsEnd. But the blues weren't right and everything else was some variation of pink, purple or looked like the gardens at Versailles. Uh oh. I had really counted on LandsEnd. So I started looking elsewhere: L.L.Bean, Target, Talbot's Kids (doesn't exist anymore), Limited Too (doesn't exist anymore), Gap Kids, Old Navy, Kohl's, JCPenney, Sears, Belk, Hanna Andersson (too garish), The Children's Place. I looked at all of the modest children's clothing sites I have bookmarked. I googled children's boutiques. I looked on Amazon for "girl's knit dress". I looked on Ebay for past seasons of LandsEnd dresses. I looked on Etsy. I'm getting desperate. I've been to the local consignment shops and thrift stores. She's about as big around as my arm so fitting isn't fun.

I'm starting to think I'm going to have to go out and buy some blue and brown knit and a pattern set and start sewing. The thought of sewing knits makes me break out in a sweat. Maybe I can get her some good quality long-sleeved t-shirts and just work on skirts for her. Maybe I'm rationalizing.

Does anyone have any ideas?

Wow...

2011-11-11T19:07:00.000-06:00

Gee, I guess I've "arrived". Someone pinned my crocheted scallop border tutorial on Pinterest. (: I couldn't figure out how on earth I was suddenly getting all this traffic... (bemused look)

No, I swear, this is for real:

2011-11-10T17:41:00.000-06:00

Father brought home a CD courtesy of his spiritual father. I'm still wiping away tears. Sensitive people may want to sit down and put cotton in their ears to dampen the effect. Florence Foster Jenkins (born Narcissa Florence Foster...aptly named...) was a popular operatic singer in the first part of the 20th century. A famous quote: "People may say I can't sing, but no one can ever say I didn't sing." Um, right. Being the generous person I am, ever willing to broaden people's musical horizons, I am sharing this with you tonight.

(Anyone ever watch Keeping Up Appearances??)

She's not the only thing that's gaga...

2011-11-10T11:22:00.001-06:00

From Occupy Seattle General Assembly:

"Some people using labels, boxes, terms, on bodies and equipment, and telling people how to be or what gender to be. This is part of the system we're fighting against. We should respect people's own determination, living, and labeling of their own bodies and parts." --Lady Gaga

Labeling body parts? So what else do you call an arm? I can tell you one thing, I certainly would never call what's under her skull a brain. That would be so wrong of me.

(h/t Rod Dreher)

Do you know where your honey comes from?

2011-11-10T09:08:00.003-06:00

Ok, I like honey direct from the "farm" when I find it or someone gives it to me, but I've never deliberately sought it out. I figured the primary reason for using such honey was taste (plus, supporting small producers). Oh, how wrong I was.

This article on the purity of honey is sickening. Especially since Pickles' favorite sandwich is PBH and he eats it daily.

click to enlarge

More than three-fourths of the honey sold in U.S. grocery stores isn't exactly what the bees produce, according to testing done exclusively for Food Safety News. The results show that the pollen frequently has been filtered out of products labeled "honey."

The removal of these microscopic particles from deep within a flower would make the nectar flunk the quality standards set by most of the world's food safety agencies.

The food safety divisions of the World Health Organization, the European Commission and dozens of others also have ruled that without pollen there is no way to determine whether the honey came from legitimate and safe sources.

In the U.S., the Food and Drug Administration says that any product that's been ultra-filtered and no longer contains pollen isn't honey. However, the FDA isn't checking honey sold here to see if it contains pollen.

Ultra filtering is a high-tech procedure where honey is heated, sometimes watered down and then forced at high pressure through extremely small filters to remove pollen, which is the only foolproof sign identifying the source of the honey. It is a spin-off of a technique refined by the Chinese, who have illegally dumped tons of their honey - some containing illegal antibiotics - on the U.S. market for years.

Food Safety News decided to test honey sold in various outlets after its earlier investigation* found U.S. groceries flooded with Indian honey banned in Europe as unsafe because of contamination with antibiotics, heavy metal and a total lack of pollen which prevented tracking its origin.

Toys aren't the only thing you shouldn't buy from China:

Chinese honey has long had a poor reputation in the U.S., where - in 2001 - the Federal Trade Commission imposed stiff import tariffs or taxes to stop the Chinese from flooding the marketplace with dirt-cheap, heavily subsidized honey, which was forcing American beekeepers out of business.

To avoid the dumping tariffs, the Chinese quickly began transshipping honey to several other countries, then laundering it by switching the color of the shipping drums, the documents and labels to indicate a bogus but tariff-free country of origin for the honey.

Most U.S. honey buyers knew about the Chinese actions because of the sudden availability of lower cost honey, and little was said.

The FDA -- either because of lack of interest or resources -- devoted little effort to inspecting imported honey. Nevertheless, the agency had occasionally either been told of, or had stumbled upon, Chinese honey contaminated with chloramphenicol and other illegal animal antibiotics which are dangerous, even fatal, to a very small percentage of the population.

Good heavens!! So how do you know what you're getting?

Ambrose, who was co-chair of the team that drafted the state beekeeper association's honey standards says the language is very simple, "Our standard says that nothing can be added or removed from the honey. So in other words, if somebody removes the pollen, or adds moisture or corn syrup or table sugar, that's adulteration," Ambrose told Food Safety News.

But still, he says he's asked all the time how to ensure that you're buying quality honey. "The fact is, unless you're buying from a beekeeper, you're at risk," was his uncomfortably blunt reply.

Well, that's it. The only honey we will have in the house from now on will come from local beekeepers who process and bottle their own honey from their own bees. Mom, since I know you're reading this, pick up a few jars when you come for Christmas. I'm dumping what's in the pantry.

*Read this article - even more chilling.

2011-11-09T11:34:00.001-06:00

Pro-choice? Think abortion is ok?

Then you should have no issues whatsoever watching this video.

If you can't you are a coward and a hypocrite.

Oh, and the baby pictured? The same age as Innocent.

Photo of my perfect 12 week 5 day old son after the jump.

Think about it...

2011-11-08T20:09:00.000-06:00